Why Am I Upset That My Friend Is Pregnant

One of the undeniable signs of the Panic Years, unless you have the mixed blessing of becoming the first person you’ve ever met to become pregnant (in which case, congratulations, commiserations, and better luck next time), is the day you learn that one of your close friends is expecting a child.

The majority of your response to a friend’s pregnancy will be influenced by your own situation. When I was single, my friends’ pregnancies temporarily turned them into strangers as they began a life that had little in common with mine. When I was in a committed relationship, a peer’s pregnancy served as an emergency flare that burned in the sky above my head for days, forcing the baby question into the forefront of my thoughts and blocking out any valid counterarguments. It also gave the possibility of having a child an urgency that I internalized while my partner simply pushed it from his mind. When my son was young, I welcomed each of my friends’ pregnancies with joy and a profound sense of sisterhood that was unlike anything I had ever known. I’ve started to experience the same familiar creeping envy, sadness, and anger whenever I hear that one of my contemporaries is up to no good now that I have a baby, have my period back, and am frequently asked if I’m going to have another child. If I knew that, my friends, then believe me, I would tell you how we can stop viewing other women’s lives as a commentary on our own, how we can learn to stop comparing ourselves to those around us, and how we can remove the spirit of competition from the sisterhood.

One woman tells me via Twitter that she “immediately felt like I’d missed the adult lecture and was flailing through life.” “I went to get my first tattoo that weekend because I felt like I had to look wild and free if I wasn’t in the settled-with-baby group.” ”.

Yale University’s eminent professor of philosophy and cognitive science, L A. Paul contends that until you have your own child, you cannot truly understand what it is like. It is impossible to predict with any degree of accuracy whether an experience will be positive, negative, or indifferent. So you pour all your worries, hopes, and unease into that void and onto your closest friends’ pregnancies. Your speculations about your own choice can be measured by their experience. That could entail becoming more resistant to the idea of having children, moving more quickly to begin trying, or just downing a bottle of wine and screaming into the darkness until the fear passes.

Pregnancy is taught to women as a source of joy (by convention and popular culture). We are supposed to be filled with pride and excitement when a friend shares her news with us. We should devote our time to knitting, baby showers, and shopping, of course. However, if you ask any real-life woman how she felt when one of her best friends first revealed they were expecting a child, it quickly becomes evident that the news is also a source of panic, regret, grief, longing, uncertainty, and confusion.

What to do if your friend is pregnant and you’re trying for a baby

While your friend has already gotten pregnant, you are busy trying to as well.

Because women’s reproductive potential, timing, and luck are so different, this occurs frequently. You might have been trying for a very long time, only to see your best friend become pregnant on her first attempt. The jealousy is genuine, and it can be excruciating.

Try not to get upset with your friend over her unplanned pregnancy; she has no control over it and neither do you.

Even if your happiness for her is marred by a severe case of envy, find a way to be happy for her. If you want to become pregnant, hopefully you will as well, but it may take some time.

There are other ways to create a family if it doesn’t. In the meantime, talk to your friend. She can hear you out, consider this, and make an effort to comprehend.

Explain how you’re feeling, if you can. You can also take a brief break from your friendship if necessary, but don’t sever ties with her because she’s expecting.

What to do if your friend is pregnant and you can’t have kids

This can be a very precarious and emotional situation.

Perhaps you’ve been trying to conceive for a while or just learned you’re ineligible; in either case, your longing and grief will make it extremely difficult for you to be around someone who is pregnant.

A stunning woman I know is having trouble conceiving, so she has had to politely decline invitations to birthday parties and picnics where young children will be present until she feels strong enough to be around them without wanting to collapse and sob.

Protecting yourself in this manner is completely acceptable; please do so. If you need to, take a break from your pregnant friend.

Given how devastating it can be to be unable to have children, you should allow yourself to grieve however it makes you feel most comfortable. If doing so necessitates declining an invitation to a baby shower because it would be too much for you to handle, then so be it. Take care of yourself.

If you can, explain the situation to your dear friend who is expecting. Simply state: “Babe, I love you, but I need to be away from you right now because I’m hurting.” Give me time to figure out how to deal with this.

You’ll eventually learn how to enjoy being around parents and kids. It’s acceptable if you have to decline any baby-related events in the interim. You will be forgiven. Keep some distance, discuss it with your partner and other friends.

There is no other way to get through your emotions than to feel them. Let those who are important to you know how you are feeling.

Infertility when everyone else is pregnant | Kati Morton

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